dear life, I feel by now we should know each other better than we ever have before. But we're both still learning, everyday... everything... all the time... from everyone. I guess it's somewhat safe to admit that I was sheltered for at least half of my life. From what, by whom and why I'm not really sure. Not sure I'll ever know. And it doesn't matter. Because what does matter is today and tomorrow. I feel like I'm at another major turning point in my life and it causes me to pause and reflect. On who I am, where I started and where I'm going (I wish I knew! Well, not really, actually.) The journey is where all the fun is, not just the destination. So let's start where it all began. Some of this story I was told, several times by many people, so the true beginning is still a bit of a mystery to me. My mom, or my birth mother actually, Gina (we'll call her Gina, because that's her name) and my birth father (Glen is his name) surprised this world with me at an early age. From what I remember as the story goes, she was 15, he was 16, and neither in a position to have a baby or be parents. Glen's family did not support the idea from the beginning and tried to convince Gina to "end things before they started" if you get what I mean. Gina, on the other hand, was compelled to carry through with the birth but knew keeping me was not the right thing to do. For me. That, I believe, is where my independence comes from. On October 15, 1978, baby Jenny (me) was born in Austin, MN at Mower County Hospital. Delivered from my birth mother, with support from her friend James (or Jim he goes by) and assigned to a foster family until a permanent home was found. I was told I didn't cry much during my time in foster care and I wonder if it's because I was taking it all in. That's what I do. Even now. Where I was, who I was with, knowing something greater was out there and that whatever was happening today was for a reason I had yet to discover. But there always was one. A reason. Little did I know at that moment... Two hours north in the Twin Cities, John and Karen met at Como Lake one summer. Karen hanging out with her best friend, John with his. Walking around the lake, they happened upon each other and started talking. City boys, country girls (the "country" at that time I'm referring to was what we know now as the suburb of Plymouth, MN.) John and Karen just celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary. The same for their best friends, who are all still friends today. That is who I really call mom and dad. More to unfold between the beginning and the now...
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I remember my childhood being spent outdoors, playing at the park with friends, hiding in the woods until dusk, swimming at cabins, waterskiing, playing tennis and downhill skiing, laughing with friends, ice skating, cross country skiing with my parents, hiking, camping, dancing, canoeing, falling asleep happy and exhausted. And always looking forward to another day of the same. And then something changed. I was 32 years old and 190 lbs, a small size 14 but a large 12. I hated the way I looked in the mirror and hated even more the way it felt to wear my clothes. It was the first time in my life I had ever started to focus on the numbers. Amidst it all, I became noticeably unhappy. Then, there was a moment (somewhere around November 2011 if I had to put my finger on it...) when I realized that the one who could make changes was me. So it began. It wasn't easy and it definitely didn't happen overnight but the hard work and determination were worth every minute of the reward: my revitalized health and renewed happiness that had been buried years before. My vow to myself (even though I'm not yet at the finish line) is to never go back to "that place." Some might say it was 15...20 years in the making. Long nights of drinking with friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, college roommates, the list goes on... Late night snacking to cure those "hunger" pangs... Late night dining brought on by the long nights of drinking (see first one listed here)... Lack of regular activity... Other frequent and unnecessary indulging... I'm thinking by now you get the picture. I didn't focus on one thing specifically or specific foods but rather on changing habits. Habits, those things we hear about but many of us never change, start or sustain. But I did, and it worked! I made tweaks to my diet, which have now become habits. I made tweaks to my activities (which eventually turned into goals to challenge myself) but the trick to all of this for me was two things I believe about almost everything in life: patience and persistence. I share this excerpt of my journey with you not because I think everyone needs to lose weight but because its one recent chapter in my life and I believe that everyone has the power of choice to change what they want in their lives. Other examples? Stagnant friendships, living in another city, standing up for what you believe in, rekindling friendships, repairing family connections, getting promoted, getting a raise, changing career fields, getting back in to the workforce...I'm sure you could continue to add to this list...and I know you will. And that's my challenge to you. Drafted: earlier in August I had the worst insomnia that I can ever remember in the last few days. Bad like not closing my eyes for good until 3, 4 or even 5a.m. That doesn't bode well for a job where you interact with other people all hours of your day. I'm not sure what spurred this onset but I'm determined to beat it. Last night was switching sleeping spaces, bed to couch then couch to bed for a few hours. All while the rest of the house slept soundly. If you've ever experienced short or long-term bouts of insomnia you know that it's the most frustrating thing. And whatever works to calm you to sleep one night may not work the next. Last week I was traveling for work and had no problem lulling off to sleep within 10 minutes of my 30 minute meditation podcast. Last night, I listened to it in its entirety...twice. Reflecting back on my past few weeks, I've decided to make two changes that I think can positively impact my sleep. 1. No more coffee - stop drinking caffeine, again, but this time for good. And I'm not going quietly into the night like last time. This time, cold turkey, nip it in the bud! Last time I weaned myself off of coffee through a 60 day transition of delicious Earl Grey tea I picked up when visiting a friend in England. Betty's to be exact. With a little almond milk it tasted like liquid Fruit Loops, and was amazing! Next was green tea, which just didn't pack the same punch. But I did it anyway. And lasted about two months before having my first sip of coffee again. 2. Quiet the mind - I find my mind extremely busy lately. At night, during the day, in the morning. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO STOP THINKING...ABOUT EVERYTHING! and there's really no reason to. So I've made up my mind to stop. I've done it for most of my life so why would my mind choose to start being a 24-hour diner now. Sigh. I find yoga and meditation extremely centering but I don't practice either consistently. Until now. I've started going to The Saint Paul Yoga Center and have found their Sunday night Yoga Nidra invaluable. It like nothing I've every experienced. Interesting insight on natural remedies for insomnia. I don't know who Doctor Murray is but her article provided some useful guidance. http://doctormurray.com/health-conditions/insomnia-sleep-wake-cycle-disorder/ What causes insomnia? from A.D.A.M. Medical Encyclopedia Sleep disorder - insomnia; Learned insomnia; Chronic insomnia; Primary insomnia Last reviewed: August 16, 2011. Insomnia is trouble falling asleep or staying asleep through the night. Episodes may come and go (episodic), last up to 3 weeks (short-term), or be long-lasting (chronic). Causes, incidence, and risk factorsSleep habits we learned as children may affect our sleep behaviors as adults. When we repeat these behaviors over many years, they become habits. Poor sleep or lifestyle habits that may cause insomnia or make it worse:
The use of some medications and drugs may also affect sleep:
Physical, social, and mental health issues can affect sleep patterns, including:
With age, sleep patterns tend to change. Many people find that aging causes them to have a harder time falling asleep, and that they wake up more often. Now, only two weeks later, after only decaf coffee (and yes I know it has a fleck of caffeine in it still), yoga twice a week and at least 10 minutes of mindful meditation everyday, I've had the best and most restful nights of sleep in as long as I can remember. That's just the beginning and most obvious though. I am more aware when I wake up in the morning, have more energy to be highly productive throughout the day and have more gratitude for people in my life. Off to packing for Denver...six weeks from today we will be settling in to our new home there...and enjoying restful nights of sleep to wake up to productive days. ABOVE IT ALL looking up and find a perspective horizon so clear and so clean LIFE TO BE LIVED exuberant laughs memories shared among all each day is its own FRIEND FUNERAL no words exchanged time and distance at play here questions no answers This week I crashed head first into perspective. It was uncomfortable and awkward as I expected it may be and was only somewhat prepared for what was to come. As a lifelong learner I look forward to whatever there is to learn around every corner. This I know. In order to learn throughout life, you also have to be open to it. Truly open. Not just to new information, but new approaches, new ways of thinking and living. New ways that have been developed over time and may be just as difficult to change or sway as the ones you are demonstrating today. This week's experience hit close to home for two reasons. 1. I am participating in an intensive three-day Innovation Bootcamp at work (it was AMAZING to say the least, I'll share more below) and 2. I facilitate coaching conversations with leaders throughout my organization as well as friends and family all the time. Until it came time to have my own conversation. You might be thinking, "What's the connection to bootcamp?" Answer: empathy. The bootcamp focuses around discovering solutions to compelling issues using a human-centered design approach, which starts with empathy. It connects with the end-user for the first stage (not the last) in the process. More on bootcamp thinking: http://dschool.stanford.edu/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/BootcampBootleg2010v2SLIM.pdf Love the old adage, hindsight is 20/20... Reflecting back on my conversation, I didn't start at a place of empathy so it's now easier to see how my "solution" didn't work for the user. Now to the second part, coaching. A key part in effective coaching is having an idea in your head of what you want to accomplish in the conversation, and some people even write it out to practice to avoid fumbling through their words (but of course do NOT read from it when having the actual conversation!) Knowing what I wanted to say, and what I didn't want to say, I wrote out the words to the conversation I was going to initiate. And later that evening, the conversation took place. Although the words were written, much more (and different!) started to come out. An understanding and misunderstanding of a perceived situation. Perceptions, unintentional judgement, raw emotion... I realized the words on the page were just a start and the rest had come in the moment. It was real and from the heart, from both of us. And we could both tell. After a chance to sleep on it and finish my last day of bootcamp, I realized that I don't always get the chance to hear someone else's perspective; be aware of the differences; not agree with it and yet be completely okay with it. It is in that space that I sit now, writing this, and think...I can now see how tough it may have been for that person to see my perspective if it was just as tough for me to see theirs. Some days I find myself thinking about everything. My mind is consumed with thoughts and curiosity on how the world works, why and how things are the way they are and how I could change them. Many thoughts never go any further than my head and I'm sometimes stuck as to how to get them out on "paper" or screen I guess. I'm also starting to see more vividly that the world around me is changing. Not like global warming, mass media or politics but my friends, my family. The circle of the world in which I live in is getting bigger and I'm ready for it to grow. As I sit here and type, I wonder why anyone would want to read what I write. Or if I will write something anyone will want to read. And it is within that space that I do. I think reflection is a highly underutilized and underappreciated form of self-learning. At the turn of the new year I reflected back on what I concluded was to-date a most pivotal growth year in my life. At least from my perspective for as long as I can remember. It is with the reflection on last year's events and the path to them that makes me grateful for each and every one of them as a learning opportunity as I enjoy each day as they come. Cliff Notes from 2012: • traveled overseas by myself to visit a friend (and had no cell service which was truly delicious!) • traveled to India for work • ran my first 5 mile and 10K races • lost 30 lbs. • bought a house • got divorced • lived by myself Some would say those are major live experiences/changes, others may not. But no matter how you look at it, they changed my life forever. 2013 has already shared many unimaginable opportunities, I can only begin to know what is next. I may use this space to share my journey and maybe help others to start/continue/finish theirs. What is your journey? Yesterday I got high. Actually, I find myself getting high more frequently. Many of you know me well enough to know that I left getting high back in high school. This is a different kind of high. A high fueled by choice, by family, friends, my boyfriend, my work and activity. Working from home is a choice. Being disciplined to do so and being successful at it is a choice. I take a bike ride at sunrise around the lake, a hot five mile run around the lake to sweat out the day at lunch, eat healthy food. My run fueled what had already been an engaged morning propelled into a highly productive afternoon and evening of work and activities. All of it is a choice. I hear many people complain everyday about how they don't have the time, they don't have enough energy, they don't have enough money. What do you have? A choice. Always. "We have all created our present situation by the choices we made in the past. If we chose to do nothing, then our situation reflects that. Recognizing that we live in a world of our own creation means that we are responsible. If we don’t like our life the way it is, then we are the ones responsible for making changes." Here are 10 feelings that we are each responsible for: 1. Happy or unhappy Look at this list and ask yourself, “have I personally taken responsibility for these feelings in my life?” If you find that you are still looking to outside sources, then perhaps it’s time to accept personal responsibility. Today's post is sponsored by #9. I'm grateful for my amazing boyfriend for more reasons than I could possibly list here. And whether or not he knows it, I tell him anyway and often. How do you get high? How can you? I want to hear from you! This post was originally drafted the week of June 10, 2013. Thoughts from a rainy week in May...
To help me get back on track and get out of this "rut" or whatever the heck is was, I decided to focus on my personal health goals and I signed up for my first 10 mile run. I finished the run yesterday and that was my goal, to finish. I know that might sound strange to many but having never run more than a 10K, I wasn't really sure what I was capable of. What I did know was I was definitely up to the challenge. I love a good challenge, I even love a not-so-good challenge. So there you have it. I progressed through my usual race day routine and showed up near the shore of beautiful Lake Waconia at 7:30am ready to rock the run. Once I started running I decided that my new goal was to finish in two hours or less. Now that I have more races under my belt I don't seem to always remember them all, just moments of them sometimes if they're memorable. This one went something like this: an easy first mile; a questionable second mile; I don't remember the next six miles except for some short-lived disposable cups of Powerade, sunny steep hills, and a frequent picturesque glance of the lake on my left. The last two miles, they were the memory. I don't want to bore you with mundane details but once I saw the 8 Mile sign I knew I had made it, only two more to go and I was done! The last mile was mostly uphill (of which I'm not a fan of running, and especially after running 9 miles prior) and the the last half was with a cheering crowd of people who didn't know my name or what I was all about by they didn't care and neither did I. My legs felt like steel rods, tight and stiff and almost ready to stop but when I turned the last corner and saw the timer, I felt compelled to sprint to and across the finish line. What did the timer say perhaps that made me find the energy in my self to look up, smile and sprint after running for almost two hours? It said 1:50:59....and I crossed just as it hit 1:51:06. I won. Not the race but my personal goal for the day AND what I considered to be a major milestone in my personal running career. As I sit here typing, my sore leg muscles and a right toenail about to fall off included, I think, what's next on the list? Anything's possible, and each will get tougher...better, and more rewarding. I've only come to find the runner's high this last year and each run is still a challenge. I also find a lot of peace in running, it gives me time to think and be alone with my thoughts, which is not a frequent occurrence with the "noise" of everyday life. Drop me a line with your thoughts on what I can add to the list. What major milestones have you hit? What is yet to come? I experienced a pivotal point in this next level of my career today. I'd rather not share the details but mostly just the fact that it happened. I had a discovery, an awakening (as my very sweet and attentive boyfriend well-articulated it; I'm always grateful for his skillful active listening!)
I had this awakening as I was in the midst of facilitating and mentally preparing for an Emotional Intelligence session this Friday. How ironic as I so badly needed to apply my EI tools at that moment. My big discovery? My big awakening? Are you asking yourself at this point what it is? Perhaps...well, I'll tell you. I had to ask for help. And being the stubborn, independent young woman that I am, it took a lot for me to realize this. I'm not saying that I've never had to ask for help in the past. What I realized was a new place in my career/point in my career that I needed to ask for help. And that it was okay. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/07/business/07shortcuts.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 Who can fathom the events that took place today in Boston? None of us...
I agree when people ask the question, "What is happening to this world?" And I think "Live each day to the fullest because you never know what is next." My heart goes out to anyone directly and indirectly impacted by today's events and know that we can overcome with our collective positivity. Kill them with kindness...and it's just that which we might do. I am learning to love the journey, not just the destination. I've learned that nothing in life is a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. No man ever sat on his deathbed and wished he had spent more time at the office. On your tombstone reads your birth date and the day you die. In between them is a dash. Life is what you do with the dash. What will you do with your dash? Many of you who know me well enough know that I book my time up to the minute, including sleep. It's a very bad habit that I've refined well over the past three years, eventually leading to almost complete burnout. Not healthy, emotional or physically. But I'm not burnt out. How? you might wonder...
The magic of downtime. I guess you could say I also plan my downtime, not always, but sometimes. And because it's so integral to my optimal mental and physica health, I protect it wisely. Just Imagine - http://youtu.be/yRhq-yO1KN8 This week I'm spending six glorious days in the beautiful mountain town of Teton Village, near Jackson Hole, WY. The scenery here is breathtaking. The vibe skiing around the mountain is positive or at least optimistic (depending on your stamina and/or ability.) Amidst all the energy, I found myself deciding to not ski today and take what I discovered was much needed downtime. What did I do exactly? Well, that's what downtime's all about. Not a lot of anything, just a little of a few things. I took a leisurely hour walk as the snow fell steadily, paying attention to and appreciating everything along the way, not worrying where I was headed or when I would be there. And it was GREAT! The Importance of Downtime http://on.aol.com/video/cali-yost-on-the-importance-of-down-time-517652834 Try it. The benefits far outweigh the risks. What do you like to do in your downtime? Pop it in a comment and I'll make a Wordle out of it! I love being around and with people but I'm finding some of my best time spent lately alone with my thoughts.
How often do you take time out to reflect on your day, your work, your life? Not many people do. Running allows me great reflection time as I'm finding skiing does this week. I spent most of the day today skiing alone which I'm perfectly content with and find myself in interesting conversations with others on the gondola or chair lift. Many people unhappy, scared, tired, anxious, bummed out, and so on. I ask them why and they can never seem to explain. Then they ask me and I say "I'm really happy, what a beautiful day." The response I usually get...? "Yeah, it is" followed by a smile. I've tried many times in my life to like certain things, fit in to certain groups, stay at a job just because of the pay, stay in relationships just because and I'm just truly awakened at 34 (luckily that early I think!) that it wasn't me. http://youtu.be/XKl8hDr-xm4 Along with many other great things, I'm finding I'm more of myself lately and I'm looking forward to much more of it. I hope you do too, if you haven't already. My muse today was brought to you by my morning skiing partner Joe. At 77, Joe self-handedly reversed his pre-diabetic diagnosis three years ago by becoming a vegan. No medication, no doctors visits, no nothing. All just by personal willpower (which he said was a little challenging as he did it cold turkey) but he also said at his age he still feels great every morning he wakes up, ready to take on whatever the new day brings. It was also funny that Joe was dressed and ready to ski this morning, waiting for me at the front door so we could catch the first lift of the day. He heard the untouched groomed runs were amazing first thing in the morning. As we headed down the run (he in the lead) I saw him raise his poles, look up at me and shout "I think I've died and gone to heaven!" And then proceeded to beat me to the chairlift. I've only lived what I believe to be a third of my life but haven't really felt like I've "lived" until the past eight months.
Major life changes really do something to a person and you never know how you'll be until the moment it happens, no matter how much you plan or think you're ready, or not ready. I talk with so many people who speak kindly of their current jobs but only to the extent that it pays them enough to allow them a car, a house, an annual vacation, provisions for their family, but that they are working hard to save up for retirement when as they say "they can finally enjoy life." I met a man today on my first day skiing in Jackson Hole, his name was Barry but he said everyone just called him "Bear". He's retired but drives the shuttle from the ski resort base to the condos where we're staying. Bear is in his upper 70's and said he hasn't stopped moving since the day he was born. He was an engineer, a big game hunting guide and several other things in his time and now this; and he loves every minute of what he does no matter what it is. He said, "You don't have to call it work when you love what you do." Thanks Bear! You had more of an impact on my day and my life than you will ever know. I think you should enjoy life now; in the moment, every moment, all the time. I'm not saying life won't throw you curve balls (trust me, I've had plenty of my own) but why not enjoy every moment as you have the opportunity to do so. And then take that opportunity. And the best part? It's free! And we know much in life is not. http://youtu.be/fLJsdqxnZb0 I've made the choice. You can too. Sometimes I find the lines between my personal and professional life becoming more blurred. And I'm okay with that. I'm not a workaholic, never have been, never will be...until I considered my legacy.
What and how do I want to remembered? Saying I would call and I didn't. Saying we would get together and then don't. Saying we'll keep in touch and then... Saying I'd get to it, I promise but then make excuses, do other things or take no action at all. My response - a flat out NO!! My muse for this post came from an article titled "What Will Be Your Legacy?" By Robin Scott, part of Daily Good: News That Inspires. Words to Live by as You Search to Find, Define and Live Your Legacy (as I'm now for mine):
"People don't do things to you, they do them for themselves."
Once you can adopt this tiny but important piece of wisdom, you may look at your interactions with others through a completely different lense. Realizing what you have control of in any situation and then taking appropriate action on it at the right time AND the right way is the key to increasing the success of your interactions with others - both personally and professionally. How many people wake up in the morning hoping to irritate or upset people? Truly...not many... Think about your impact vs. your intention...think about the other person's impact vs. intention... Where might you have gaps in understanding and impact? Here's a quick and easy watch that serves as a good reminder, feel free to share! http://youtu.be/N6TgO2RupGE One of the building blocks of skillful use of Emotional Intelligence is the Emotional Management of one's self.
For many it's easier said than done. Here's a way for you to manage your emotions smarter in the moment. Stop - pause before reacting, create a pattern interrupt from what would be an inuitive reaction (not always the best reaction though!) Oxygenate - rest and digest what just happened instead of "fight or flight". Taking a deep breath or lengthening your breath at that moment can have more of a positive impact on how you react than you may realize Strengthen Appreciation - it's true that the brain cannot experience fear and gratitude at the same time. Gratitude release counter chemistry and using humor can help gain perspective. This is the case in many situations where people use humor to break an awkward moment or tense mood. Seek Information - seek first from self and then from others; seek first to understand and only after that to be understood. If someone feels a threat or perceived threat, reflect on the Rule of 6. Is the threat big or small? Will it matter in... ...6 months ...6 weeks ...6 days ...6 hours ...6 minutes or ...6 seconds Kind of puts it into perspective, doesn't it? Www.ihhp.org So we're in agreement...now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's just enjoy our time together!
Have you ever "dropped your markers" or has someone ever "moved your cheese"? If so, you may have experienced a degree of an amygdala hijack.
Check out these resources to learn more and see if your perception of the situation was accurate: What is an amygdala hijack/what causes it? http://m.psychologytoday.com/files/attachments/51483/handling-the-hijack.pdf Daniel Goleman explains... http://youtu.be/LTItzKrNX68 So, what did you find out...? Curious yet? This week I'm in the cosmopolitan whereabouts of Toronto to earn my Emotional Intelligence Accreditation from IHHP. I'm excited that I get to put an official certification around a concept I feel that I've been practicing and refining my entire life (well, for at least 34 years of it...)
My session is taking place in the same hotel that I'm staying at (intentionally as it's been 5 degrees Fahrenheit here the past few days) I'm interested to see how spending 84 almost consecutive hours in the same space affects my EI... Until then...have your hand at gauging your EI here: http://www.ihhp.com/?page=freeEQquiz |
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